by Eric Reiss - 18 March 2002

 

Truth and trust in advertising

"Let's make things better" is the slogan of the Dutch electronics giant, Philips. Although I own an awful lot of Philips products, I'm still waiting - for things to get better.

My wife thinks I'm nuts because we have the remains of three Philips coffee makers in the basement - which serve to supply spare parts to the fourth machine in the kitchen. Why do I keep buying this model? Well, I like the way the coffee tastes (it brings all the water to a boil before it passes through the beans). But I have to admit Philips has a quality problem.

Quality from Philips?
The thing is, how do you identify a quality problem when different stuff breaks each time? The first machine burned out the heater for the water. The second machine burned out the heater for the pot. The third machine developed some electronic problem so nothing worked. And the fourth (currently working) machine has stopped turning off the upper heater when the water has boiled, so I suspect it's going to go sometime soon. Happily I still have two replacements.

My friend, Verner, who is an electrical engineer, tells me some widget is under-dimensioned. So when it craps out, we're going to make things better. I'm fairly sure this is NOT what Philips had in mind when they came up with their slogan.

TQM from Philip!
The late Philip Crosby, the Total Quality Management guru, used to insist on "Zero Defects." This means just what it says - NO defects whatsoever. Not 1%. Not 0.1%. None. Basta. And Philips should have listened to Philip. Let's do the math.

Let's say your fault tolerance is 1% on all parts supplied by subcontractors. Sounds reasonable, doesn't it? Well, suppose your coffee maker consists of 20 parts. And we know that 1 in 100 parts is going to fail. Unless you get lucky and several bad parts get put in the same unit, when you've put together 100 coffee makers, 20 will incorporate faulty parts. That's a 20% failure rate. The math is actually pretty simple.

So should we accept a 1% fault tolerance? Of course not. Philip was right - Zero Defects. Philips is wrong - three out of four of my coffee makers expired within days of their guarantees.

So come on, Philips. Let's make things better. On the other hand, there's no hurry - I now have a basement full of spare parts.

Then again, I also own a couple of Philips TVs.

When TVs hate
The TVs are so-called "combi" models that have built-in VCRs. And everyone told me "You're an idiot. If one unit fails, you have to junk both of them." Good point. Did I mention I have four coffee makers?

The TVs are funny for two reasons. First, the usability sucks. Second, they don't like me.

 

Time for a tune-up

Our cable operator keeps swapping channels. Some Turkish channel is where NBC Europe used to be. And National Geographic and Discovery hop around more than the dancers on MTV. In answer to the critics who think it?s dumb to buy a combi unit, let me tell them that you only have to tune the channels once and both units synchronize. Ha!

 

So how do I tune the units? Take a look at the remote. If you?ve got a good screen, you?ll spot a button labeled ?Menu? two buttons below the 7. And if you push it, you get ? Picture, Extras, and Specialties. Unfortunately, none of these choices can tune stations.

 

Since I can never remember what I?m supposed to do, I start searching for the instruction book. I used to just punch random buttons, but once I turned all the menus into Finnish and had a terrible time straightening things out (if you?re having the same problem, look for ?Kieli? You?ll find it listed under ?Asennus.?).

 

Karen the Oracle

Our user manual has a tendency to get lost. Actually, since we've got two identical TVs, we have two sets of instructions - and they both get lost. You?d think it would be hard to misplace something that runs over 100 pages in several languages (including Finnish, thank goodness). I usually find one (I?m never quite sure which one) when I?m looking for something completely unrelated (like Kleenex or our turtle, Morris).

 

When I really get desparate, I end up phoning my step-daughter, Karen, because she has the same model TV and (remarkably) remembers the tuning routine. She probably even knows where her instructions are.

I?ll tell you the secret ? you have to push two of the arrow buttons at the same time. This displays a completely new menu ? and lets you tune the channels. But I ask you, who dreamed this up? Is it some special child-proof feature? Does the designer also do aspirin bottles? Philips ? is this really your idea of making things better?

And why do my TVs hate me?

TVs with an attitude

No, this isn?t some kind of paranoia. They really have it in for me. For example, one of them has decided that it?s waiting to record something on the timer. This means it can?t be bothered to record things at other times.

 

I can?t get the little red timer light on the front panel to go away. Since I can change the date of the program the TV thinks it?s supposed to record, I?ve tried to trick it into recording something at a different time. But it won?t. If I change the timer, the TV changes the internal clock. If I change the clock, the TV changes the timer. But, hey, I?m a patient man and I know the next time November 15, 2000 rolls around, this problem will sort itself out. Or I'll call Karen. Our TVs love Karen.

 

?Don?t you push my button!?

The second TV refuses to acknowledge my possession of the remote. Oh, it will change channels and adjust the sound, but that?s it. No VCR commands. Except OFF.

 

If I give the remote to my wife (or Karen), it works fine. The next time I use it, it quits.

 

My wife and I have tried swapping chairs, but geography seems to be irrelevant. I?ve even tried to cheat and use the remote from the second TV. But the TV is smart and knows a con when it sees one. And both remotes stop working.

 

I?ve called Philips, but they explain in calm, rational terms that this cannot possibly happen and that I?m clearly out of my mind.

 

Let?s make things better? Yes, please! And give me a call when you change your slogan to ?We?ve made things better.?

 
 

 

Update 8 July 2004
Well, our coffee maker finally died - but not in the way I expected. Rather than burning out/shorting out/crapping out, like the others, this one did something very odd - it overflows. This started about a month ago - the water spits out faster than the water can drip through the grounds. The result? A major mess.

 

Try as I might, I cannot find the cause for this peculiar behavior. And my pal Verner is far too busy these days for this kind of nonsense.

 

So today, over the MAJOR-ON-THE-VERGE-OF-DIVORCE objections of my loving wife, Dorthe, I bought our fifth machine. Why? Not because Philips "made things better" - but because the European Community did; Now all electric and electonic goods have an iron-clad, two-year guarantee.

 

How sad for Philips that I bought another one of their products primarily because I now knew they couldn't screw me...knock on wood.

 

Update 1 November 2004

Philips has finally done something about their brand promise "Let's make things better." They changed it to "Sense and simplicity." And they stopped manufacturing my coffee maker.

Update 17 June 2008
The coffeemaker is still alive! But the TVs have died.


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