by Eric Reiss - 20 November 2003

 

Turning inconvenience into a virtue

Who did the Portland Hilton expect to fool when they posted this silly sign next to the Coke machine on the 18th floor? After all, if they were really interested in doing something convenient, they'd install an ice machine on every floor - which also jives with the service expectations I've formed through years of bedside bartending.

They might have said "In order to conserve energy, ice machines are only located on alternate floors. Please go up one level." It's honest, but I suppose it lacks that "Hilton-has-the-best service-in-the-world" feel to it. Actually, if they really wanted to be honest, they'd probably have to write, "In order to save money, we took out half the ice machines." But they can't do that, can they?

So they lied. Their solution can never be for my convenience, no matter what kind of spin they give it. As they say in Texas, "Don't pee on my boots and tell me it's raining."

 

Danger! Convenience alert!

Burdine's, a chain of department stores in Florida (recently swallowed by Macy's), has installed bar-code scanners throughout its stores. Why? So we can find out how much things cost. Why? Because the store can't be bothered to put prices on individual items.

And what does the fine print say? "For your convenience, please use this scanner to..." To what? To take something off the rack, locate the nearest scanner, stick the tag in the slot. Read the result. Replace the item (or dump it on any convenient shelf).

What a great way to enhance the shopping experience.

Macy's has it's own routine: "For your convenience, fitting rooms are open on the opposite side of this floor." This sign was tacked on the door of a locked fitting room.

 

Convenience and compliance
Here in Denmark, we have cash deposits on most bottles and cans. My local supermarket has two machines designed to automatically swallow and count my hord of empties, including wine bottles and other non-deposit glass. But...

Both machines accept deposit bottles. But only one of the machines will accept cans. And only one of the machines will accept non-deposit glass. Naturally, they're not the same machine. For my convenience?

So why don't I just save the empties until the city recyclers come around (four times a year)? We'll I could, but the city has rescheduled things so "large household items" are picked up along with "cardboard" on one day, while "appliances," "electronic equipment," "plastic," and "chemically-treated wood" are collected on different days. "Garden waste" is collected at other times. "Paint and chemicals" need to be delivered to a truck that will pass by the second Tuesday in alternate months.

Rather than raising the recycling rate, this excessively difficult routine is probably going to lead to significant non-compliance: people are just going to chuck things in the trash.

Oh, and there is no longer any glass collection. But the city gave me a calendar - for my convenience.

Words to watch out for
I learned years ago that when someone says, "I agree with you completely," if their next word is "but..." you're going to get shot down. Guaranteed. But the "I agree with you completely" part is so comforting that many people don't even listen to the rest of the sentence.

"For your convenience" is another sure-fire warning that something is going to get more convenient - for someone else.

Instead of improving service, companies use their energy to confuse and misdirect. And I know this does more harm than good. After all, what do I remember best from the Portland Hilton? The friendly staff? The quick check-in? No - the sign on the 18th floor.

Comments or questions?

Update - April, 2004
Since the time of this writing, Burdines-Macy's, as the chain is now known, has become much better at marking prices. Even so, the scanners remain. Their main use now is to calculate the actual price of an item, minus any special discounts - which represents a genuine service to customers. Good for you, Burdines-Macy's!

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